I wouldn't want to brag (except to my brothers, to whom bragging is both an insult and a direct challenge, and therefore immensely enjoyable to make) but I love being a new father.
Now, to make sure I’m not dragged through the streets by tired and stressed new parents, I’ll make a few disclaimers. Firstly, my wife and I are both very good at doing things individually, meaning we can split up chores and duties quite well, meaning less stress.
Secondly, we are both not too young or too old (in my estimation) – at 31 you still have some decent stamina while also having (in my wife’s case) some maturity in seeing the bigger picture and not being too wrapped up in yourself.
Thirdly, we have very different clocks – my wife is a morning person, while I prefer to wake up at the crack of noon and party on til the early AM’s, meaning around the clock waking and feeding isn’t as bad as it could be.
Fourthly, we have had a number of friends and family have children who we have spent a reasonable amount of time with, preparing us (somewhat) for what happens, and my wife is an early childhood educator meaning we aren’t too far behind the mark.
Fifthly, we haven’t had a major illness, teething or injury to bring additional stress.
Finally, we have a beautiful, healthy, happy baby. I mean, just look at her.
She doesn’t complain when there is nothing wrong, she smiles, feeds well, sleeps (reasonably) well for a baby, and lights up the room with her all round cuteness. And I love her, which I hear helps remarkably with parental happiness.
And so even when I’m trying to get her to sleep I don’t get too stressed or cross, because she is wonderful – God’s blessing to our family.
Now the strange thing is the number of people who have mentioned only the difficulties child rearing is for them. And I mean lots. My parents and parents in law not so much, but that may be due to both excitement at our baby and any issues coming up being seen as a vague insult. Then again, more stories came from younger parents rather than older, possibly showing that either we were great children in the 70’s-90’s or memories lighten with time.
This got me wondering and questioning people about why they mentioned the issues with parenthood before the benefits. Was it simply easier to comment on frustration rather than heartfelt love and affection for their children? Was it a desire to warn of all the things they hadn’t seen along the way before they occurred? Or was it that some people genuinely felt put upon by their children?
I didn’t ask these directly as they are some rather introspective and more importantly very personal questions. Questioning people’s parenting motivations and techniques is a good way to get yourself embroiled in an argument rather quickly (I wanted to add a link in here to show an example, but just google ‘argument parenting technique forum and start reading. Its all there).
It also potentially brings into question people’s motivations, whether people were prepared mentally for being a parent, external factors (employment, health, family relations, wealth) and a million other things that will be bought up in rebuttal the moment a vaguely sweeping statement or generalisation is made.
It runs the danger especially if they are a user of the phrase ‘my experience’ which is a modern day trump card as nobody can properly assess the totality of ‘your experience’ and therefore nobody can judge it – true but not the whole case – to make a vastly exaggerated point as I am wont of doing I haven’t ever conducted a 5 day drug and crime spree but it doesn’t mean that I can’t make a value judgement on someone that does.
So to get back to the main point, you have to go softly when asking people why they bring up negative experiences and the basis for that experiencing being the primary 'warning' they give. This way you can a) add to the information you already have, never a bad thing and b) prepare yourself, because at some point I'm sure the harder times will come - and forewarned is forearmed.
But as to their answers to why they mention the struggles so openly first up – part of it is just human nature – perversity is part of the Australian culture.
Some are unsure, while others mention that the added pressure and responsibility is burdensome (not exactly in those terms) while others have/had not made the adjustment to their lifestyle that parenthood seems to bring regarding time demands – or perversely had yet regretted it. Others lament lack of partner participation or other help they were expecting, or the underestimation of the demands of parenting.
And so I learn the things to be careful of – mostly, imagining I know what it will be like and then investing in that idea enough to be disappointed when it doesn’t occur. Or worrying about a potential future that hasn't happened yet and may well not happen.
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